You know what I mean...
Those days...
The days that you feel like a failure...not good enough...just weak, and probably mopey.
Those days...
Most of the time I'm not even sure WHY I feel that way. I just sort of...do...
Sometimes I'll go almost a whole day or maybe it'll last for a few days before I recognize it.
There are days or instances when there is actually a physical feeling that accompanies it...
I hate it.
Call it what you want...It goes by a few names,
Melancholy
Depression
Sadness
Insecurities
None good...None wanted...At least I don't want it.
It has taken me YEARS to recognize it before it goes too far; and now I do, and I have the tools I need to overcome it....And I DO overcome it...and I HAVE overcome it...Because...Well, because I'm an overcomer.
Listen, the things I say and how I feel may not line up with everyone's experiences and beliefs, but this is my life and this is my blog and so, well, maybe you'll agree and maybe you won't...
Maybe my words will connect and maybe they won't...We'll see.
Anyway, back to what I was saying...
I've learned that I will not let this control me. My eyes have been opened to reality vs. this...this thing that has tried to overtake me, destroy me, for years...
There is so much to my journey, that, in NO way, will I try to reduce it to one blogpost! It couldn't happen if I tried...(well, maybe if I REALLY tried) but you know what I mean.
Some people think that because you have overcome something, that it won't try to creep up on you...make a return...a surprise appearance. Nothing could be further from the truth.
These things don't give up that easily...The things that have taken generations in your family to strengthen and become intertwined with your very genetic makeup...Ha! They'll not be so easily dissuaded.
Just when you think you've gotten it defeated...that you've found the "cure", here it comes...Sometimes subtly, sometimes like a flood.
You know they say practice makes perfect, and I've noticed that to be true...Man! SO true. Especially with these things.
I have to speak to these things...Well, "to myself," maybe would be best stated...to my thoughts.
I speak to all of it, I guess.
For example, when I had just experienced one of the most devastating cases of rejection in my life, and was feeling completely alone and unwanted, my oldest daughter reminded me, "But Mom, you ARE loved. You have all of us...Daddy...you're family here loves you and wants you."
Perspective...Reality...
From that moment on, when I'm reminded of that situation, and feel the pangs of rejection and not being wanted by that particular group of people that I share DNA with, I remind myself of my daughter's statement...I rehearse it...I practice thinking, "I am loved...I am wanted."
When I feel like a failure, I begin rehearsing, "I am successful...I am more than a conqueror."
When I feel sad, I begin rehearsing the thoughts that bring me joy.
It is a literal mental, and emotional workout. Sometimes I feel sheer exhaustion afterwards, depending on the magnitude of it all, most times I feel just peace. Like, this relaxation comes over me, physically...It's so weird...
I have this heart, this, burden, if you will, for women who battle with this. It makes me angry that SO many women battle with this and yet hide it because they feel ashamed. IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!!! Would you be ashamed if you had high blood pressure?! Ridiculous!!! Of course you wouldn't be.
Now, on the other hand, I don't think one should just parade themselves as perpetual victims..."Woe is me," and nothing in life is right and all are against me and I can't help it, blah, blah, blah...
First of all, FIGHT!! Don't be ruled over by something that lessens your quality of life! Find the tools and use them.
Secondly, share when you feel it will help yourself or someone else, not just for the sake of garnering pity or attention.
This is my view...
I am NOT a victim, and I reFUSE to live as one. I DO acknowledge that I have battles, that my life is not perfect; I do NOT, and WILL not live in a perpetual state of despair and victimization, however. I am constantly working on myself and will not allow these "trials" to control me or dictate my existence.
BUT I will not pretend that I don't have battles...I will not hide them under the cloak of shame because I've been in church for "x" amount of years and should be past all that.
I have grown LEAPS AND BOUNDS, and am far more equipped than I was even 5 years ago...but those "things" still slither in occasionally to lie to me.
I have been taught things...I have been given tools to deal with and fight against "these things."
I use them (the tools to fight)...Even when I don't feel like it...Because I know what happens when "these things" are left alone...un-dealt with, and fed.
You feed them, and they grow...and grow...and grow.
Then, you find yourself in a hole so deep, it will take more than just a back hoe to get you out.
Cut off the food early...Cut off the thoughts...Choke them...Starve them...
Feed with thoughts that are true...They may not FEEL like truth right away in comparison to what "these things" are telling you, but since when do we allow feelings to dictate our lives?
I feel, sometimes, like this warrior woman. (I know...insert "lol" here)
But, I do...I feel like I am constantly in battle, sometimes getting the mess beat out of me...Bloody and dirty...
But I never.give.up.
I get up...again and again...and
again....
I won't give up...and neither should you.
Ya know, once you've kicked someone's butt a thousand times, they'll tend to visit you less often...Even if they're persistent by nature.
So keep kicking butt....I'll be right along side you, and we'll kick butt together.
And I promise you, we'll have less and less of "those days."
